And so, let’s dream bigger than clapping. I dare say, post-NDP 2019, this will mark the revival of a long-forgotten Singaporean tradition: caning. If they’re sturdy enough to be clappers, they’re sturdy enough to be canes.
We’ve always been antsy about caning, especially in the context of a school setting. How can corporal punishment be administered in an effective and appropriate manner?
By equipping everyone with tough bamboo rods they can use to whack anyone else. This is creative problem-solving at its best. The bamboo straws are tough enough to cause hurt but small enough not to cause harm.
Or if that doesn’t excite you, consider using the straws to poke everyone you meet in real life, and render Facebook obsolete. Take that, Zuckerberg.
Seeding New Singaporean Colonies
The sustainability that the NDP 2019 Funpack preaches is also confusingly inconsistent. Only a select few items are branded as ‘eco-friendly’ while the rest appear to have been left to languish by themselves. The miniature Singapore flags included in the Funpack have thoroughly failed to inspire any sense of being sustainable at all. They’re not even the kind of plastic I want to wave around—credit cards are better.
Lest they become lazy office decorations, it might be better if we start using them for what flags were originally made for: Aggressively sticking them in everything.
You can’t claim to love your country until you stick one of the NDP 2019’s miniature flags in everything you see.
Wanna spruce up your birthday cake with love? Stick a flag in it.
Wanna tell everyone you’re proud to be a Singaporean for the rest of the 364 days of the year? Stick a flag in every single damn thing you see.
Feeling cute about your imperialistic dreams for Singapore? Plant a miniature Singaporean flag everywhere you go while overseas; those foreigners will never even know they’ve been colonised.
Raffles can suck it.
Discounts for the Dead
Hold up! Are you about to throw away that discount booklet you flipped through once and promptly forgot about? Feeling guilty for only finding them at the bottom of the bag three years later while doing a spring cleaning?
Those feelings are entirely valid.
The existence of physical discount booklets is the ultimate bane of sustainability. They’re printed with no guarantee that anyone will flip through and use them. It boggles the mind why the NDP 2019 Committee didn’t simply issue E-vouchers, or an app that can be updated yearly with constant NDP vouchers. Are we not a smart nation?
There is no way anyone can claim the discount booklets to be eco-friendly, and perhaps it’s why they’ve been quietly left out of the Funpack’s flashy media blitz.
There’s just no way in hell—or is there?
The genius of thought that went into the creation of the Funpack has fully accounted for this. We need only look to our ancestors for guidance. Thicc, expired, and glossy, the discount booklet will make a terrific offering for the dead. There’s no reason why we should forget about them in our patriotic celebrations. Who said capitalism stops at death? Simply burn the discount booklet for your deceased loved ones and get them involved in the festivities. You can now buy less paper money during the Seventh Month, reducing your carbon footprint. Steals and deals galore!
Or if you’re really too lazy, feel free to fan yourself to death, as you squint at the discount booklet, looking for a portable fan you want to buy.
Fashionable Carrier of Things that Assault Our Public Sensibilities
Marketed as the most versatile item out of everything, the Funpack itself can be used as a messenger bag, tote bag, or backpack. Touted as a “Stay Prepared” Emergency Ready Bag for post-NDP 2019 use, it is highly durable and comes with recommendations for what to pack in the event of an emergency home evacuation.
What a bore.
Within one week of NDP 2019 ending, these bags will be shoved en masse into storerooms and forgotten as quickly as the NDP 2020 Committee convenes for next year’s NDP.
But this is a sustainability-focused NDP Funpack; there must be measures that have anticipated this—right?
The answer is that the Funpack comes in chic and patriotic colours of red and white, complete with the NDP 2019 logo. The unique appeal of NDP-branding is sure to turn anyone who flaunts their new NDP merch on Instagram into an instant social media darling.
The hypnotic prowess of the NDP logo will also put anyone with half a brain under its spell. There’s no doubt that the top Singaporean fashion trend for the rest of the year will be to blatantly emblazon the NDP 2019 logo on everything and anything. Think patterned-designs in the mood of Louis Vuitton or Balenciaga. Be a patriot of luxury! In fact, the Great Singapore Sale (GSS), might want to sit up and take notes; everyone deserves a go at having an orgasmic GSSexperience.
After the NDP 2019 Funpack revolutionises the Singaporean fashion industry, expect an announcement to be made to address the top problems plaguing our public transport: the lack of durians and annoying children.
For far too long, we have been denied the right to carry our spiky, cream-filled fruit with us wherever we go.